A How-To Guide

How To Make Haircut Day As Stressful As Possible

(in seven easy steps)

Step #1 -- Choose a Saturday. Everyone else you know is sleeping in, relaxing, or watching college football, you'll question your sanity in taking it on before you even begin.


Step #2 -- Make sure it's a Saturday that your husband is working. Even better if he's clocked 60+ hours for the week, you should be just about at your wits end.


Step #3 -- Start off by announcing what's going to happen to all the children at once. The moans and groans of despair should set the mood quite well.


Step #4 -- Be certain the 2-year-old (who is new to haircuts) is adequately afraid of the hair clippers. Also, give him pretzels for a snack before you begin, to aid in the execution of Step #5.


Step #5 -- Allow 2-year-old to get worked up and crying hard enough that he throws up on you during his haircut. Be sure he then tries to hide his vomit-covered face in your hair-covered pants, let the two mix well.

Step #6 -- Once you have finished cutting the hair of the 2-year-old and the 4-year-old, put them in the bath and begin on the 8-year-old. (For optimum stress, it is best if the 8-year-old has an attitude the size of Manhattan.) Next, make sure the 4-year-old dumps a cupful of water on the floor at your feet, where all the hair clippings are. This will make them nearly impossible to clean up.

Step #7 -- Finally, when everyone is trimmed and presentable, turn away from the mess that is now your bathroom, it'll still be there later. Take and deep breath and admire your work. And remember: Only a few short weeks until you do it all over again.