Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Contemplation

I woke this morning to the sound of Ave Maria drifting into my room from the piano. It was Blake, practicing for his part in our May Crowning today after Mass. He set his alarm early and got up on his own to go over it a few more times.

Such self-discipline.

Something I've been pondering lately. If you had asked me a few months ago I would have said I was adequately self-disciplined. I'm a conservative person, no wild tendencies, I give of myself in multiple directions daily. I'm not prone to spending binges, I attend Mass and Confession regularly, and hold my temper fairly well.

Is that enough?

I give of myself, to my husband, my kids, but do I really sacrifice? Do I know the meaning of the word? When was the last time I gave but didn't take? Gave up a comfort for a greater good?

Had Blake not been up and practicing, I would have stayed put in my bed for as long as I could get away with. In fact, staying in bed in the morning has become one of my main goals lately. Even at the expense of a smooth-running morning routine. I acknowledged long ago that I need to be up and functional well before the children in order for the morning to go well. Yet I don't make it a priority. Day after day I drag myself out of bed to find that the older boys are already busy playing a board game, or eating their cereal.

Yes, I am pregnant. Very pregnant.
Is that a worthy excuse?

How many women before me have been this pregnant, with challenges I can't even dream of, and still maintained the discipline of a good Christian woman?

Shall I talk about ice cream? I'm currently testing the limits on daily human consumption of it. Lately it's rainbow sherbet with Vernor's. I just finished off a package of 600 lb. Gorilla ice cream cookie sandwiches the other night. On Sunday, an entire pint of Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone. In. One. Sitting. I've told myself that I would sleep better were I not consuming an entire week's worth of sugar an hour before bedtime. I've told myself I should take a few days off from the ice cream and see how I feel. Then before I know it, I'm talking myself into getting a bowl, knowing that once the baby comes life will be different and ice cream will be off the daily menu.

Does pregnancy legitimize gluttony? Certainly not. So why the desire to constantly over-indulge? Not just a desire, but a giving in to the desire.

It's true that when you know more, more is expected of you. On this Christian journey, there is no perfection. There is no finish line, except the eternal one. Just because I'm a better Christian than I was a year ago, doesn't mean that's good enough.

Eating ice cream and sleeping in are not the greatest evils of this world. Complacency, however, is intolerable. I expect better from myself.

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